Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
