If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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