i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize