Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
