If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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