Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
