I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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