Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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