You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
third nipple confirmed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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