I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
