I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
