Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
