You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
