You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
