I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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