She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
