The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
