mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
