my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
