I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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