I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
