Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
