I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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