just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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