you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
