Non-Jews are for practice
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
