dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
