we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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