Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
