You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
