At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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