We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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