I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
