I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
