its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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