The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
