i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
