you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
