Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
In America we eat man semen.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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