Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
