Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
