Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
