You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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