Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
