The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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