Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
