Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
