i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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