I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
