I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
