The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
