Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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