I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
